


La Douleur Exquise

by artificialmac



Series: Foreign Word Fics [10]
Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Coming Out, F/F, Foreign Word Fics, Homophobic Language, Self-Discovery, fwf, jivy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-08
Updated: 2016-06-08
Packaged: 2018-09-20 12:22:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9490826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artificialmac/pseuds/artificialmac
Summary: La douleur exquise (French) – The excruciating pain that comes from wanting someone you can’t have.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Part of my series of one-shots inspired by foreign words with no English translation.

Jinkx and Ivy had been friends as long as anyone can remember. The girls themselves didn’t even remember the first time they met. Maybe it was that time Ivy fell off the swings into a mud puddle, and Jinkx wiped her tears in the girls restroom. Or maybe it was in fifth grade when Jinkx got her period for the first time in the middle of class. Ivy had calmly explained everything to her and given her a sweater to tie around her waist. There was also that one year when Jinkx had a solo in the school play, and she had vomited on the audience. It could have been the numerous times that Ivy stood up for Jinkx when she was being bullied by the other kids. Regardless of when or how, there was no doubt in either girl’s mind that they were each other’s world.

Jinkx didn’t remember the exact moment she began to fall for Ivy. It could have been that one time in Ivy’s basement, when Ivy held her first sleepover. Ivy was one of the kindest people Jinkx had ever known, so it was no wonder to her that Ivy was one of the popular girls. But no matter how many other friends she had, Ivy always made Jinkx feel special. Jinkx was the first to get the sparkly pink invitation to the party.

When she agreed to go, Jinkx didn’t realize that the party would include all of the girls that tormented her at school. If she had known then, she never would have showed up in the first place.

The night consisted of Jinkx sitting by herself in a corner, watching the popular girls whisper and point at her. She had learned at a young age not to let her emotions show. While she seemed cool and indifferent to the proceedings, internally she was breaking down.

Of course no slumber party is complete without a vicious game of truth or dare. The girls all settled into a circle and began the ridiculous tradition. Most of the dares were silly things, and all the truths were about ‘who you had a crush on.’ Jinkx was bored almost to sleep, when she was jolted by someone saying Ivy’s name. A hush fell over the room and Jinkx looked at the girl who had called Ivy’s name. The girl’s name was Madeline. Of all the girls that teased Jinkx, she was the worst. Jinkx had stayed up countless nights looking in the mirror at her stomach because Madeline called her fat.

“Who do you have a crush on?” Her high-pitched voice echoed in the quiet basement.

Ivy blushed and looked around the room. Jinkx was suddenly very interested in the game.

“You have to promise not to tell.” Ivy looked at each one of the girls who nodded. “Ok, so I kind of have a thing for Keith.” All the girls squealed and Ivy blushed and covered her face.

Jinkx felt a strange feeling in her stomach. Back then she didn’t know what it was, but she sure did now.

It might have been when they went on vacation together, that Jinkx finally understood what all those girls had been talking about. Ivy and Jinkx’s families had never been particularly close. Jinkx’s mother was extremely over protective and strict, and her father had left them years ago. Ivy’s parents were the most relaxed people Jinkx had ever met. They were never fazed by anything. They were the ones who had originally suggested that they take Jinkx with them for a vacation. After asking, and asking, and asking, Jinkx’s mother agreed.

Jinkx had never been on a houseboat before and was surprised at the amount of space there actually was. That vacation was home to most of Jinkx’s greatest memories. She and Ivy went tubing and water skiing. Ivy wore a bikini all weekend showing off her slim body and slight curves. Jinkx struggled at times to look at her.

There was one night, when the sky cleared up, and they could see all the stars. She and Ivy had lain on the roof looking up at them. For those minutes everything was quiet and calm. Jinkx looked over at Ivy who had closed her eyes. Jinkx admired her and felt that thing again, but this time she had a pretty good idea of what it was. Ivy opened her eyes and looked back at Jinkx. The two burst into a fit of giggles and Jinkx memorized every line on Ivy’s face.

Jinkx remembered the first time she heard the word ‘gay.’ As soon as the word left her health teacher’s mouth, something inside her clicked. The word gave her hope. She wasn’t alone. Somebody else felt the same way she did.

Jinkx did remember when she tried to tell her mother how she felt. She was scared to say the least. A cross hung above her mother’s bed, and Jinkx felt as if it was looking right through her. She breathed in an out. As soon as she spoke the words, her mother began to cry. When Jinkx tried to continue talking, her mother put her hands over her ears and hummed, effectively shutting Jinkx up.

For the next three years she tried to tell her mother, but every time she got close to saying something, her mother cried and told her she was confused and wrong. One night her mother had been drinking, and Jinkx remembered her sluggish voice yelling that she was an abomination, and she was going to burn in Hell. Ivy made Jinkx move out that night. Ivy held her close and let her cry into her shoulder. She whispered reassurances and said she didn’t care about any of it; she just wanted Jinkx to be happy. Jinkx only cried harder at her words. This girl was so good to her.

Jinkx looked up at Ivy who was _oh so close _. Jinkx leaned in and planted her mouth on Ivy’s shocked expression. That was the moment everything changed. Ivy pulled back and Jinkx was left stammering out an apology. Ivy told her it was fine and Jinkx went back to crying onto Ivy’s shoulder. Ivy said it was ok,,but Jinkx knew they could never be the same.__

__Ivy had a boyfriend a week later. His name was Will. He was loud and rude, nothing like Ivy at all. They went everywhere together. Ivy didn’t call much anymore, and when she did, all she talked about was Will. Jinkx never knew Ivy to be extremely boy crazy, but apparently she was wrong. Jinkx had invited Ivy over to her house but she kept saying she was busy or that she had to much homework. Jinkx finally realized what was happening after Ivy blew her off a fifth time._ _

__She marched over to Ivy’s house and knocked on the door. Ivy opened the door, a shocked expression on her face. Jinkx blew past her into her house._ _

__Ivy tried to remain calm. “Hey Jinkx whats up?”_ _

__“Whats up? Seriously Ivy?”_ _

__Ivy sat down on the couch, trying to defuse the situation. “What is it?”_ _

__“What is it? You have been avoiding me! Look I apologized about a million times for the kiss ok. I’m not going to do it again.”_ _

__Ivy sighed. “Its not about the kiss.”_ _

__“Then what was it? Because you have been acting strange.”_ _

__“I mean it was the kiss, but not just that, it was everything that the kiss implied.” Ivy looked around the room, searching for the right words. “Jinkx, I’m not gay.”_ _

__“I never said you were.” Ivy pursed her lips. “Do you think that I like you?”_ _

__“I don’t think, I know.”_ _

__“You are wrong.”_ _

__“Am I? Because you can’t even look at me right now.” Ivy’s voice rose. “You hug me too long and try and hold my hand all the time.”_ _

__“That never seemed to bother you before two weeks ago!”_ _

__“Because I didn’t know you were in love with me two weeks ago!” The room was quiet after Ivy’s exclamation._ _

__“You know, not everyone is in love with you.”_ _

__Ivy gave an exasperated sigh. “I never said that.”_ _

__“I’m not in love with you.” Jinkx spoke quietly._ _

__“I think you are lying.”_ _

__There was a long silence. Then Jinkx got up, and walked towards the door. Before exiting the house, she called to Ivy over her shoulder, with one last bitter remark. “Will is an asshole.”_ _


End file.
